What I Wish I Knew About Emotional Strength in My 20s
Before I get into it, let me set the scene.
My twenties were this messy, electric mix of discovery, confusion, ambition—and a whole lot of emotional chaos I didn’t yet have language for. I was working in media, showing up to my 9-to-5, thinking I had this “adult” thing down. I paid my bills. I showed up. I smiled. But underneath that performance? I was carrying unspoken pain from the past—emotions I hadn’t even started to unpack.
I had an inkling something wasn’t right. I wasn’t falling apart, but I wasn’t grounded either. I kept pushing forward, faking it till I made it. Work, relationships, social gatherings—I kept it all moving. And back then, I thought that meant I was strong.
But strength isn’t pretending. It’s presence. It’s self-awareness. It’s healing.
And I wasn’t there yet.
The First Wake-Up Call
It wasn’t until I started dating my first ex-husband (yes, there’s a story there) that things began to shift. That relationship didn’t crack me open in a poetic way—but in a necessary one. Suddenly, the stuff I’d buried deep—childhood wounds, teenage baggage, all of it—started surfacing. My reactions, fears, and triggers showed up uninvited and loud.
So, I walked into therapy. Nervous. Skeptical. Hopeful.
And honestly? That was the doorway to a better version of myself. Not a fixed version—just… better.
Therapy taught me that self-awareness isn’t just knowing how you feel—it’s knowing why you feel it. It’s spotting the patterns. The protective habits. The triggers. And instead of judging yourself for them, you learn how to respond differently.
(If you’re new to this work, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Nicole LePera, aka The Holistic Psychologist. Her content helped me name so much of what I was going through.)
What I Didn’t Know Then (But Wish I Did)
If I could sit down with my 20-something self—iced tea in hand—I’d tell her a few things that might’ve saved her years of confusion and quiet suffering:
1. Emotional Strength Means Knowing When (and Where) to Open Up
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was emotional boundaries.
In my twenties, I didn’t have any. I overshared at work, opened up to the wrong people, and treated colleagues like therapists. Some were kind, and a few real friendships did form—but most of those relationships weren’t built to carry that level of emotional weight.
Looking back, I see the emotional co-dependence I couldn’t name back then. Deep down, I think I wanted others—coworkers, friends—to help me figure out my mess. But that’s not fair to them, and it wasn’t fair to me.
Things really came to a head at my last media job. I let my guard down with the wrong people, and it backfired—badly. That’s when I learned something I wish I’d known sooner: the workplace is not your emotional safety net. It’s a space for growth and professionalism, not a place to bare your soul.
There’s power in vulnerability—but there’s also wisdom in where and when to be vulnerable. That’s what emotional strength looks like.
2. Just Because You Survived It Doesn’t Mean You’ve Healed From It
I used to think, “Well, I got through it. I turned out fine.”
But “fine” doesn’t mean healed. It doesn’t mean whole.
So many of us carry unprocessed trauma into adulthood, and it silently shapes how we love, work, and see ourselves.
Reading The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk opened my eyes to how trauma embeds itself—not just in memory, but in the body. We can’t think our way out of it. We have to feel, process, and heal.
3. Think Before Reacting
Even wild animals pause before they attack. So why do we jump to react so quickly?
I can’t tell you how many conflicts could’ve been avoided if I just let things simmer for a moment—paused before speaking or acting out of emotion. Emotional strength lives in that pause. In the breath before the response.
I’ve learned that when something hits a nerve, that’s exactly when I need to slow down. Not speed up.
4. Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Doors
In my 20s, I was deep in people-pleasing mode. Saying “no” felt rude. Disappointing others felt unbearable. So I over-explained. Over-functioned. Overextended.
But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about protecting the space where real connection can grow. Brené Brown said it best:
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
That quote changed how I operate. Still does.
5. Sadness ≠ Depression
I used to dismiss my heaviness as “just being in a mood.” But it wasn’t just a mood—it was low-grade depression.
Depression doesn’t always look like lying in bed crying. Sometimes, it looks like irritability. Numbness. Fatigue. Or being too productive to outrun the quiet ache inside.
Mayo Clinic describes depression as more than sadness—it’s a persistent shift in how we feel, think, and function. If you feel off and can’t quite name it, don’t dismiss it. Get curious. Talk to someone. You deserve to feel better than “fine.”
6. Emotional Strength Is a Practice—Not a Personality Trait
You’re not born emotionally strong—you build it.
One choice at a time. One pause. One act of self-compassion. One “no.” One deep breath.
It’s not about being bulletproof. It’s about being brave enough to look inward, and kind enough to keep going when it gets hard.
The Reckoning
My twenties made me face what I never wanted to: the stuff beneath the surface. The things I kept blaming others for. The habits that kept me stuck.
But doing that work changed everything. It didn’t fix me—but it helped me grow. And it made me a better mom, partner, and friend.
Because the truth is—unhealed people don’t just hurt others. They shrink themselves. They smile through pain. They stay small and call it strength.
If You’re in Your 20s Reading This…
Please hear me: You don’t have to have it all figured out. None of us do.
But if you start now—start building emotional strength from the inside out—you’ll thank yourself later.
Start with self-awareness. Set boundaries. Talk to someone if you need to. Be gentle when you fall short. This isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being real.
And real strength? It’s facing yourself with honesty, curiosity, and compassion.
I don’t judge my younger self. She did her best. And when she knew better, she did better.
If sharing this helps even one person feel less alone—less confused or ashamed—then it’s worth it.
Your twenties aren’t just for building a career or finding love.
They’re for building you.