When They Undermine You at Work—How to Respond Without Losing Your Cool

Let’s be honest—pettiness in the workplace is alive and well, and it’s not going anywhere. Anytime you’re working with a group of people, you’re also dealing with the unspoken dynamics they grew up with. Office culture often mirrors family systems—power struggles, favoritism, silent treatment, all of it. The “family ethos” shows up whether we like it or not.

It’s why we often react to a boss the same way we once reacted to a parent. For many of us, these aren’t new feelings; they are [patterns from our past that we are still breaking]. When we understand that our office reactions are often echoes of old survival tactics, we can finally start to respond as the adults we are now.

And let’s not downplay it: few things sting like being subtly undermined at work.
Maybe a coworker cuts you off in meetings.
Maybe they question your judgment in front of others.
Or they “accidentally” leave you off important emails—again.

It’s never overt, but you feel it. That strange drop in your stomach? That’s not you being overly sensitive. That’s your intuition whispering, “Something isn’t right.”

Suddenly, you’re second-guessing your value. You’re walking on eggshells. You find yourself wondering, “Is it me? Am I being dramatic?”

Undermining Is a Power Move—But It’s Not Always About You

According to Harvard Business Review, toxic workplace behaviors often stem from a desire for control or recognition. So while it might feel personal, most of the time, it isn’t.

The challenge is learning how to manage it without losing your sense of self. Because when you’re in a work culture where little digs, subtle slights, or public corrections are the norm—it’s easy to start shrinking, playing small, or losing your cool.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to match their energy. You can respond in a way that’s smart, steady, and true to who you are.

1. Recognize the Undermining—Don’t Gaslight Yourself

The first step is simple but powerful: call it what it is.

Whether it’s being talked over, excluded from key meetings, or having someone take credit for your work—those aren’t accidents. They’re patterns. And naming those behaviors (at least to yourself) helps you stay grounded.

Sometimes people try to minimize it:
“Oh, that’s just how she is,” or
“Don’t take it personally.”

But if it’s consistent and affecting your ability to do your job confidently, it’s valid. Your feelings are valid. Gaslighting yourself into silence won’t make it stop.

2. Pause Before You React

When someone throws shade in a meeting or makes a passive-aggressive comment, your first instinct might be to snap back. But here’s the deal: cool heads command more power.

Take a breath.
Look at the person calmly.
Buy yourself time.

Say something neutral like:

  • “Let’s take that offline.”

  • “Interesting. Let me follow up with you after this.”

  • “Thanks for your input. Here’s what I was saying…”

You don’t need to go into defense mode. You don’t need to win the moment. You need to own the room without raising your voice.

This kind of composure is what the Japanese call Gaman—the art of enduring hardship with dignity and grace. It’s one of the [10 Japanese principles that changed how I move through the world]. When you choose not to match a coworker’s pettiness, you aren’t ‘losing’; you’re practicing a high-level emotional discipline that keeps your power intact.

3. Document Everything—Yes, Everything

It might feel petty, but it’s necessary. Start keeping a log of:

  • Dates and times of problematic interactions

  • What was said or done

  • Who was present

This is especially important if the behavior starts to escalate or you need to escalate it to HR later. Having clear documentation protects you and helps you make a case if needed.

4. Address It Directly—But Strategically

If you feel safe doing so, consider having a private conversation with the person. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior affects you.

For example:

  • “I noticed that in meetings, my points are often interrupted. It makes it challenging for me to contribute effectively.”

  • “When I’m not included in emails about the project, I miss out on important information and it affects my work.”

Keep it factual, calm, and focused on the impact, not the intent.

5. Seek Support from Allies

Chances are, if someone is undermining you, they might be doing it to others too. Talk to trusted colleagues to see if they’ve noticed similar behaviors. There’s strength in numbers, and having allies can provide support and validation.

6. Know When to Escalate

If the behavior continues despite your efforts to address it, or if it escalates, it may be time to involve HR or higher management. Present your documented evidence and express your concerns professionally.

Remember, you have the right to a respectful and supportive work environment.

7. Prioritize Your Well-being

Dealing with undermining behavior can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Make sure to:

  • Set boundaries: Protect your time and energy.

  • Practice self-care: Engage in activities that recharge you.

  • Seek professional help: A therapist or coach can provide strategies and support.

Your well-being is paramount. Don’t let someone else’s insecurities derail your peace.

Taking care of yourself isn’t just about a bubble bath; it’s about protecting your clarity. For me, that meant choosing a life of Sober Strength to break old family patterns and keep my mind sharp. And on the really hard days? It means allowing my nervous system to reset by leaning into shows that feel like a warm hug. It’s okay to be ‘human’ for an hour so you can find the strength to be ‘professional’ again tomorrow.

Being undermined at work is challenging, but you have the tools to navigate it with grace and strength. Recognize the behavior, respond strategically, and prioritize your well-being. Remember, you deserve to work in an environment where you’re respected and valued.

Stay grounded, stay confident, and keep shining.

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Note: This blog post is for informational purposes and reflects general strategies for dealing with undermining behavior at work. Individual situations may vary, and it’s important to consider your specific circumstances when deciding how to respond.

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Quiet Strength & Resilience